Longstock

It seems I have to try and replace J in my head and this I know I must, must do. You are supposed to think of nice things, nice places and calm yourself down, replace the intrusive, obsessive thoughts and all will be well. How difficult that it - she is always there intruding on the good stuff, being in the moment. Concentrate concentrate - be ever mindful of surroundings, happenings, people, things, signs, flowers, the world. Your mind is so complicated - by necessity we think - we feel. We feel - we think. Life in perpetuity. How I wish for a life with no thought, no anxieties, no people in my head - just perfect white silent peace.

Longstock Water Gardens near Stockbridge - so very pretty. I worked hard not to allow J in those memories of it but alas she is there, always there and she wasn't even there but she is there.

Today I have tried the Emwave machine Gina lent me yesterday. It appears incoherence in the heart rhythm caused by stress can be 'fixed' with this little gadget. My first try and I ended up in tears cos I can't make it work, I don't understand the lights system it has. Try again tomorrow.

Scrap work

Well this site has become a bit of a ad hoc diary - and I really should add more stuff. Very busy at work, very busy at home trying to do EVERYTHING. Have completed my latest scrapbook page - local club challenge is to use stitching - so I practised some of the cross-stitches etc - I've been doing textile workshops with Jackie (Stitchworks blog) - small group work once a month; she is very inspiring and I've collected together various 'mixed media' items. Oh yes I've just 'won' a collection of ephemera on e-bay - so that should be with me by the weekend. Really I just have to START. Have a lovely thing I want to do over the august holidays.
University taster sessions have now finished - last week was mind-mapping. My life in a mind-map - directions to go, live, be - is very scary. A and G continue to be a big force in my life and keep me going, I don't know what I'd do if they weren't there to support. Very bad screaming dreams haunt me night and day and I am tearful on my own. My head is crazy inside - what to do but keep going?