Treatment update

It's hard to believe I have been having the ozone and hyperthermia treatment for 2 and a half months now. I am still not used to the claustophobic feeling and intense heat of the hyperthermia sauna. These latter weeks M has been reading Alice in Wonderland and when Mum accompanies me it is the 'thought for the day' Jewish man, whose name escapes me at the moment. I have great difficulty in concentrating on it because of my distress but it is a good book, loved by both my counsellor (who seems to be able to recite much of the poetry in it) and Dr Abdre at the clinic. Isometimes liken myself to Alice, a very small person lost in a strange world but Dr Andre says it's about seeing the world through the eyes of a child - how weall ought to see it.

This week I managed to drive to my textile class from by Jackie and we learned how to transfer a picture from an old book onto canvas (gesso first and usin an acrylic gel). I managed to get the picture transferred so felt quite pleased. I will add a photo at some point.

My days, hours and minutes contiue to roller-coaster between some sense of normality to absolute terror of the future and a need to 'end it all now'. I am struggling deeply with so many things and it is ALL TOO MUCH most of the time. I am listening to bird song and trying relaxing mp3 tracks, breathing and using the em-wave machine. I can't make anyone understand how much turmoil I am in, we are all in really. M is struggling too.

Having been in hospital for a few days after Easter I have some pain management in place; it's not perfect but a bit better and the best thing is we now have an allocated McMillan nurse. Thank you, thank you. It's a start and I hope things will get joined up between all the services I am using.
I might write about that time in hospital - you would not believe it....

Heat Transfer Dyeing

Further to my post about Jackie's workshop here are the photos of the work we did. And I made one piece of material into an engagement card for my sister and fiance. You can see they are all 'happy accidents'.

Jackie said we could buy them through Fibrecrafts and I've ordered the catalogue but whilst waiting I looked up on Google and came across Ario website which does cheaper transfer dye - I don't know if it's any good but it might be worth a try.

A kind of help

It's funny when you are feeling like the proverbial '**' how if you are not looking something helps a little tiny bit to make you feel like things could just be okay for just a very little while. And so it is with Jackie's textile workshops and how it is with Gina. It doesn't last however and by the time I'm part way down the A340 (and sometimes just getting in my car) I'm in floods of tears again.
After a particularly horrible week at work I had a little hour or two of calm with Jackie and we did some hot iron fabric transfer work using leaves and lace as masks on fabric. It became clear that you didn't have to be good, the 'happy accidents' just worked and you ended up with a passable result that seemed to please. Experimenting was the key and for a short while I began to breathe a little freer. Back in my car, my house, my work, reality is there and I am me and there is no getting away from that fact that I have this huge pain in head and heart and body and I don't know how to make it all go away and I can't breathe and life is overwhelming and why did Andrew go and why did Janet leave and why is she so much in my head it is so very very painful I can't bear it.