Treatment update

It's hard to believe I have been having the ozone and hyperthermia treatment for 2 and a half months now. I am still not used to the claustophobic feeling and intense heat of the hyperthermia sauna. These latter weeks M has been reading Alice in Wonderland and when Mum accompanies me it is the 'thought for the day' Jewish man, whose name escapes me at the moment. I have great difficulty in concentrating on it because of my distress but it is a good book, loved by both my counsellor (who seems to be able to recite much of the poetry in it) and Dr Abdre at the clinic. Isometimes liken myself to Alice, a very small person lost in a strange world but Dr Andre says it's about seeing the world through the eyes of a child - how weall ought to see it.

This week I managed to drive to my textile class from by Jackie and we learned how to transfer a picture from an old book onto canvas (gesso first and usin an acrylic gel). I managed to get the picture transferred so felt quite pleased. I will add a photo at some point.

My days, hours and minutes contiue to roller-coaster between some sense of normality to absolute terror of the future and a need to 'end it all now'. I am struggling deeply with so many things and it is ALL TOO MUCH most of the time. I am listening to bird song and trying relaxing mp3 tracks, breathing and using the em-wave machine. I can't make anyone understand how much turmoil I am in, we are all in really. M is struggling too.

Having been in hospital for a few days after Easter I have some pain management in place; it's not perfect but a bit better and the best thing is we now have an allocated McMillan nurse. Thank you, thank you. It's a start and I hope things will get joined up between all the services I am using.
I might write about that time in hospital - you would not believe it....

A new year

It seems that the days are passing by quicker now. Until recently time just dragged and dragged - and I couldn't summon up any 'get up and go' to do anything. Now I want to do more and feel stressed and tired cos I'm not getting everything done. I hope this means I'm getting better.
Sleep is very poor at the moment and the obsession with Janet - my ex-counsellor is bad and ongoing. She is in my head all the time and I don't think anyone understands. She is there all the time and invades my thoughts - good or bad - and my dreams. I might add my poem about obsession sometime. Add the bad dreams about dying and maybe that's why my husband calls me the 'phantom quilt-turner'.

Trying to make Chinese New Year cards to sell. It's impossible to get stickers saying Happy New Year in Chinese and have had to resort to making my own from downloaded .gifs off the Internet.

I got a new Philips juicer for Christmas - it's amazing - so easy to clean and you can dishwash it but you hardly ever need to. Juices so far have mostly been fruit but I did try a pear,apple and broccoli one with a little ginger and it was amazingly tasty. Have booked to go back to Penny Brohn centre later this month to do a one-day cookery course.

And my next CT scan is in February.....

First post

I am thinking this just a blog to express my thoughts.
I do not know what will become of it.
But I will put some of my thoughts, poems and 'doings' on it.

I am recovering from a difficult episode of depression and the diagnosis of breast cancer - twice.
I do not know where I am going yet or even how to get there.
This is a journey. And I hope I make it.