On Target

On target

White is the colour of my emptiness.
Black is the colour of my life.
Blue is the colour of my support.
Red is the colour of my heart.
Ready.
Take aim
Fire.
Pull back the arrow
Shoot long and true
Bull’s-eye !
Yellow is the colour of my pain.

(c)2009

How weird

Life goes on as normal
How weird
My life is a crazy mess
And your life
Just goes on
Ignore me
Ignore me
Ignore my pain
Who am I
To dare
To think
I matter?

Ashes to ashes

Just a poem I've written following a visit to Dartmoor in Devon last week. My uncle's ashes are blowing in the wind just there but the thoughts for me are about Janet. The poem is written as if it were by my aunt and is called Ashes to Ashes.

Climbing on the
Rocky, peaty ground
Past mere; on moor
With pounding heart.
Through cooling wind,
Entrancing sky
Below nimbus clouds,
Brooding, full.

Summer bracken uncurled
With fingered fronds;
Home to tiny oaks,
To butterfly; to bee.
Heather abundant
In muted lilac
And the golden spines
Of thorny gorse.
Foxgloves marked
With linen specks
Where elves placed
Fingers long ago.

Aloft a buzzard circling
Calling to its mate
Rising ever upwards
Upon a thermal air

Noble mass of granite rock
Piled precariously high
Mysteriously concealing
A sacred life,
A life so long,
And proud and still,
Watching silently
The moorland few.

Mystifying life:
Secrets held;
Family life:
Secrets told;
Layered life
From dawn of time
Through pain and love
And peace again.

Spirit lay down
And rest awhile
In crevice moss
Away from chills
How many men
Have trod the path
Enlightened then -
Forgotten now?

But I won’t forget:

Your soul lives on
Ever blown
By wind, by rain
Ever more;
Ever same.

Book live

After much deliberation I decided to 'go live' with my book on blurb.com. Did I say I've called it Flying towards Hell. I never really thought anyone would notice it was there but someone has commented yesterday and very positively. I'm gving proceeds to Breast Cancer Research but ofcourse it really could take 50 years to even get any sales. Actually with Blurb you need to keep the book 'active' which basically means someone has to buy one every 12 months or they take it off their server.
A and G encouraged me to put it together and I hope if it helps even just one person to feel they are not so alone in their crazy mixed-up world then that will be okay.

Flying towards Hell

Well I have my book in my hands - decision now whether to make public on blurb.com or not. I have had one positive response from someone I asked to look at it for me and they even bought a copy!

Book is titled 'Flying towards Hell' after much heart-searching to get just the right title. So many I chose were actually already published. This comes from a phrase in one of my poems.

Blurb is brilliant really - so easy to use and produce a quite professional looking book. I made a black/white copy too just cos I coudl and cos it's cheaper. If i do sell it I am giving all proceeds to Breakthrough Breast Cancer. Talking of charity I have made another £60 through selling cards at work for Breast Cancer Research charities.

My head is going mad, not sleeping, weeping in car, so much to do, so little time now - scary days.

Mind dissolves

Flying into the grey of a dishevelled mind
There is no hope, no way to go
Thoughts are contorted and flawed
The mind sings no more

No way out, no way to go
The mind is numb, the mind is full.
Like crazy paving mixed
Amongst the seeds of time

Living like they want you to
Fakery and smiles
Heart tearing with pain
Crying silent tears.

Dispirited passion
Moving in numbed circles
That ever decrease
Strangling the very life of you.

Neither great joy nor feeling
Nor God, nor compassion
Just painful memories
Burning the tender soul

The mind twists and struggles
Dissolving in the mist
In the desperate duty to live
The life that God intended.

Not ill?

I wrote this poem when my depression started, struggling with coming to terms with being ill again and whether I could stop it happening. But I could not.

not ill
but will
self will
no will
in mind
to find
the will
until
the mind
splits

to ill .....to sane
too ill .....hang on
to cope.....there’s good
to care ..... there’s life
their pain..... there’s pain


the pain
is ill
ill is pain
back again
not ill
not there
no will
no way

to go ......to stay

__