A kind of help

It's funny when you are feeling like the proverbial '**' how if you are not looking something helps a little tiny bit to make you feel like things could just be okay for just a very little while. And so it is with Jackie's textile workshops and how it is with Gina. It doesn't last however and by the time I'm part way down the A340 (and sometimes just getting in my car) I'm in floods of tears again.
After a particularly horrible week at work I had a little hour or two of calm with Jackie and we did some hot iron fabric transfer work using leaves and lace as masks on fabric. It became clear that you didn't have to be good, the 'happy accidents' just worked and you ended up with a passable result that seemed to please. Experimenting was the key and for a short while I began to breathe a little freer. Back in my car, my house, my work, reality is there and I am me and there is no getting away from that fact that I have this huge pain in head and heart and body and I don't know how to make it all go away and I can't breathe and life is overwhelming and why did Andrew go and why did Janet leave and why is she so much in my head it is so very very painful I can't bear it.

On Target

On target

White is the colour of my emptiness.
Black is the colour of my life.
Blue is the colour of my support.
Red is the colour of my heart.
Ready.
Take aim
Fire.
Pull back the arrow
Shoot long and true
Bull’s-eye !
Yellow is the colour of my pain.

(c)2009

Book live

After much deliberation I decided to 'go live' with my book on blurb.com. Did I say I've called it Flying towards Hell. I never really thought anyone would notice it was there but someone has commented yesterday and very positively. I'm gving proceeds to Breast Cancer Research but ofcourse it really could take 50 years to even get any sales. Actually with Blurb you need to keep the book 'active' which basically means someone has to buy one every 12 months or they take it off their server.
A and G encouraged me to put it together and I hope if it helps even just one person to feel they are not so alone in their crazy mixed-up world then that will be okay.

Feeling Blue

Visited bluebell woods today, nice to be with Mark and take photos but J is huge in my head and it HURTS.

I cannot explain to anyone how I feel cos A and G try to understand but I don't think they do really.

Am continuing to write poetry and trying very hard to keep smiling whilst inside I am screaming and crying.

Not ill?

I wrote this poem when my depression started, struggling with coming to terms with being ill again and whether I could stop it happening. But I could not.

not ill
but will
self will
no will
in mind
to find
the will
until
the mind
splits

to ill .....to sane
too ill .....hang on
to cope.....there’s good
to care ..... there’s life
their pain..... there’s pain


the pain
is ill
ill is pain
back again
not ill
not there
no will
no way

to go ......to stay

__

First post

I am thinking this just a blog to express my thoughts.
I do not know what will become of it.
But I will put some of my thoughts, poems and 'doings' on it.

I am recovering from a difficult episode of depression and the diagnosis of breast cancer - twice.
I do not know where I am going yet or even how to get there.
This is a journey. And I hope I make it.