How weird

Life goes on as normal
How weird
My life is a crazy mess
And your life
Just goes on
Ignore me
Ignore me
Ignore my pain
Who am I
To dare
To think
I matter?

Ashes to ashes

Just a poem I've written following a visit to Dartmoor in Devon last week. My uncle's ashes are blowing in the wind just there but the thoughts for me are about Janet. The poem is written as if it were by my aunt and is called Ashes to Ashes.

Climbing on the
Rocky, peaty ground
Past mere; on moor
With pounding heart.
Through cooling wind,
Entrancing sky
Below nimbus clouds,
Brooding, full.

Summer bracken uncurled
With fingered fronds;
Home to tiny oaks,
To butterfly; to bee.
Heather abundant
In muted lilac
And the golden spines
Of thorny gorse.
Foxgloves marked
With linen specks
Where elves placed
Fingers long ago.

Aloft a buzzard circling
Calling to its mate
Rising ever upwards
Upon a thermal air

Noble mass of granite rock
Piled precariously high
Mysteriously concealing
A sacred life,
A life so long,
And proud and still,
Watching silently
The moorland few.

Mystifying life:
Secrets held;
Family life:
Secrets told;
Layered life
From dawn of time
Through pain and love
And peace again.

Spirit lay down
And rest awhile
In crevice moss
Away from chills
How many men
Have trod the path
Enlightened then -
Forgotten now?

But I won’t forget:

Your soul lives on
Ever blown
By wind, by rain
Ever more;
Ever same.

Going crazy

Help me i'm goign crazy my head is going mad. Andrew is leaving I don't know what to do I can't go through all this again, i acn't get so depressed I wont function there is so much to do my university stuff is looming i ahve to practise my study skills, i have cards to make and loads of things, i feel very VERY ill. I dont want to live any more - it sounds melodramatic but the pain in my heart from J and A is huge now and I don't know what to do. everyone says you are gettign better i almost bagan to believe it - this faking thing perhaps i should havetried to do better after J left me, perhaps she wouldnt be in my head so much now NO that is rubbish she is always in my head oh God what shall I do i feel sick and scared and cant stop cryign cant sleep last night -one hour sleep at 5. please help me God No God I hate you I don't wnat you I don't. I cant do THIS I really cant. i thought i was gettign better everyone says so it is such a lie unless you sort what is in your heart your head what has made you hate yourself what makes you have people in your head how can i do it on my own without Andrew he was going to make it work he said he could he siad we all could as a team me, him Gina but its no good now.God forgive me for what i've been doing.

Book live

After much deliberation I decided to 'go live' with my book on blurb.com. Did I say I've called it Flying towards Hell. I never really thought anyone would notice it was there but someone has commented yesterday and very positively. I'm gving proceeds to Breast Cancer Research but ofcourse it really could take 50 years to even get any sales. Actually with Blurb you need to keep the book 'active' which basically means someone has to buy one every 12 months or they take it off their server.
A and G encouraged me to put it together and I hope if it helps even just one person to feel they are not so alone in their crazy mixed-up world then that will be okay.

Longstock

It seems I have to try and replace J in my head and this I know I must, must do. You are supposed to think of nice things, nice places and calm yourself down, replace the intrusive, obsessive thoughts and all will be well. How difficult that it - she is always there intruding on the good stuff, being in the moment. Concentrate concentrate - be ever mindful of surroundings, happenings, people, things, signs, flowers, the world. Your mind is so complicated - by necessity we think - we feel. We feel - we think. Life in perpetuity. How I wish for a life with no thought, no anxieties, no people in my head - just perfect white silent peace.

Longstock Water Gardens near Stockbridge - so very pretty. I worked hard not to allow J in those memories of it but alas she is there, always there and she wasn't even there but she is there.

Today I have tried the Emwave machine Gina lent me yesterday. It appears incoherence in the heart rhythm caused by stress can be 'fixed' with this little gadget. My first try and I ended up in tears cos I can't make it work, I don't understand the lights system it has. Try again tomorrow.

Scrap work

Well this site has become a bit of a ad hoc diary - and I really should add more stuff. Very busy at work, very busy at home trying to do EVERYTHING. Have completed my latest scrapbook page - local club challenge is to use stitching - so I practised some of the cross-stitches etc - I've been doing textile workshops with Jackie (Stitchworks blog) - small group work once a month; she is very inspiring and I've collected together various 'mixed media' items. Oh yes I've just 'won' a collection of ephemera on e-bay - so that should be with me by the weekend. Really I just have to START. Have a lovely thing I want to do over the august holidays.
University taster sessions have now finished - last week was mind-mapping. My life in a mind-map - directions to go, live, be - is very scary. A and G continue to be a big force in my life and keep me going, I don't know what I'd do if they weren't there to support. Very bad screaming dreams haunt me night and day and I am tearful on my own. My head is crazy inside - what to do but keep going?

Made it - maybe

Have heard I have been accepted by University to do Foundation degree in Education Administration, went for first taster session last night, very scary. It is so hard with to find positive things about me and we had to do some stuff in reflective writing. Degree is part-time, takes 3 years with option to top up to BA Hons. Will I still be alive in 3 years - who knows? Today I had check up by surgeon - she says all is well , may have to have scan before next visit to her.

Head still mad, trying to do everything - have been to Aqua class, scrapbook class and textile class. Trying so hard to keep busy and get J out of my mind, she just won't go. I think University application is absolute madness on my part - why oh why did I apply? Reading is so difficult - writing will be harder still I'm sure. Mark says I'm stubborn - some people say I'm determined so maybe these things I can't recognise in myself will get me through.

Made some more cards to sell for Breast Cancer Research - photo ones this time.

Flying towards Hell

Well I have my book in my hands - decision now whether to make public on blurb.com or not. I have had one positive response from someone I asked to look at it for me and they even bought a copy!

Book is titled 'Flying towards Hell' after much heart-searching to get just the right title. So many I chose were actually already published. This comes from a phrase in one of my poems.

Blurb is brilliant really - so easy to use and produce a quite professional looking book. I made a black/white copy too just cos I coudl and cos it's cheaper. If i do sell it I am giving all proceeds to Breakthrough Breast Cancer. Talking of charity I have made another £60 through selling cards at work for Breast Cancer Research charities.

My head is going mad, not sleeping, weeping in car, so much to do, so little time now - scary days.