Craft event

I was invited to have a table selling my cards in aid of breast cancer research charities at a church Harvest Festival in Ashford Hill. I made approx £90. By all accounts a very good two days and the 'photo cards' sold really well. I met the Bishop of Winchester. He looked at my book and had a copy. It seemed a funny thing for a Bishop to read a book called Flying Towards Hell, but well he said he would and he would use it in his chapel. I wonder if he will.

No medication

People know now , like Mark I'm not on medication. Are they concerned or want ot keep me quiet. How can you medicate for stress? For anxiety? For the fact you are dying? How can you.
I have to have another CT scan. It's to make me feel better, they won't believe the lump is real. If I'm not dying how come I feel so ill, how come my heart is in such pain. How come that?

Uni - week 3

I'm feeling very down about the whole thing. I can't organise myself and my work is very stressful and I can't go on.

University

Last Thursday I started my degree course in Education Admin. Absolutely petrified. It was a lot of introduction to the university - IT things like how to access the VLE (virtual learning environment) and so that was okay but when we had to do an exercise my concentration just went and I do not even know why we had to do it.
I am very very stressed, very weepy and not really coping at work. I'm not sleeping, not eating and trying to do too much in the effort to block out pain. It doesn't work and I think I am in 'crisis' as Andrew said before he left. I am so scared of going downhill. Gina is going to do some kind of therapy work next time entitled The Journey. I am beginning to need her so much more and have put our sessions to forthnightly again cos I can't afford to get attached to her.

Loss

I cannot describe the loneliness and utter pain I feel. I am thinking how to describe but I can't.
I cannot afford to go backwards, I really can't. My visit to the Vyne with A and G today was very very painful; I should win an Oscar for my acting performance. I didn't even get out of the car-park afterwards before the choking tears and gasping breath came. Andrew did seem genuinely pleased with the 'thank you' book and picture I had made for him. I had said I thought it would be cathartic to do but in fact it was not and there were many many tears in the making. I am petrified, scared, lost and hopeless and only Gina cares now - but understands? I do not know.
The only person in this crisis I can phone is Gina - I have no friends and that is a fact I am so painfully aware of when I rang for her and she wasn't there and the MHT receptionist asked if some-one could sit with me, be with me. There is no-one. All I wanted was a hug and some-one to understand. So very hard when I don't even know why I'm like this.

On Target

On target

White is the colour of my emptiness.
Black is the colour of my life.
Blue is the colour of my support.
Red is the colour of my heart.
Ready.
Take aim
Fire.
Pull back the arrow
Shoot long and true
Bull’s-eye !
Yellow is the colour of my pain.

(c)2009

Back to work

I was supposed to see Andrew for last time tomorrow but he can't make it so now it will be in a week's time, head is mad and crazy, still not sleeping. Work is just like I have never had a break - back into major stress, too much to do and not enough time at work to do it in. Have tried to concentrate this last week of holiday on Uni preparation - God I don't know why I thought I could do it. Poetry is flowing - it seems when I am miserable it does. I can't stop cyring when I am on my own - rest of time brave and smiley face and everyone 's all okay and I am coping. If they could see inside my head......I am petrified and no-one cares, I can't talk to anyone - it sounds ridiculous to say my counsellor is leaving and I can't cope. He can't he just can't how can he leave me, how can he?

Keeping busy

It is now only 10 days until I have to say goodbye to Andrew and I don't know how to cope, what to do, I cry everyday on my own and then put on brave face and keep VERY VERY busy. M asked me one night, as I was crying why I was, when I told him he just turned over and got cross. I am so scared, please God don't let me go backwards, I have to keep going.
My bones hurt, I'm afraid the cancer is coming back, I lie awake at night very afraid and can't sleep, then wake early and can't eat. M says I'm losing weight, perhaps I am. How strange life is - 2 years ago I just wanted to die, now with A and G help I don't, well I don't actually know if I don't, I don't think I care except there is so much to do to pass on to the girls and Mark, so many things to sort, so much to do.
Back to work this Thursday after summer break, so many things I didn't do, so many more things to do. The summerhouse is tkaing up lots of time, M is doing so well with it and I help by painting, holding wood, passing nails, and so much garden tidying. Have made 30 photo cards over last 2 days.