CT Scan

Tomorrow it's my scan, absolutely petrified. Can't I know do think about influencing result; if tumour growing it will be like that. Wonder if taking these more supplements and back on track with dairy-free will have done any good.
No-one will let me grieve, feel loss for my life - HAVE TO BE POSITIVE - only way you will beat it, get well again. No-one will give me answers, no-one - I don't even know how long it will be before I start to 'have symptoms'.
The planning of the integrated approach is turning into an alternative way only. Have spoken to Cancer Options advisory service and they are very helpful and positive. A good report with evidence and research on the things that may help me for £150 for consultation plus a followup chat and emails. They say they are not biased towards practioners or supplements. I have to trust them on that otherwise I'll go crazy trying to find information. Have huge file of printouts off the web, I could write my thesis on the subject of how impossible it is for you to get support for this approach from NHS. You are hitting your head against brick wall if you even dare try. My breast care nurse said don't do it - spend the money on a family holiday. The NHS can only offer me 'palliative' chemo. Now I want to live I want more than that, I have to try things don't I? Things that are trialled only in small trials but have good anecdotal evidence they can work. Chemo is never going to work. I've been sent a leaflet to go on a 6 week therapeutic course for patients who have reached 'palliative not curable' stage in their treatment options. I haven't reached that stage have I? Surely not. Please God don't let that be so...

Things I've been doing

Pre Christmas spent some time 'making'. to keep very occupied. Made for someone special to me a 'pretty box' to put her present in. Used bits paper, stamps, metal embellishments, pieces of music paper and some 'fun' putting all together, took a whole morning but after initial start became more relaxing.

Also made some Christmas cards using the heat transfer dye method and added some embroidery. Used nativity clip-art to make masks for initial designs.

Break time

Slipped 3 days ago, broke left wrist. how stupid, taking photos of early morning sun through trees.

Photo quality not even that good!

lots of pain, in half plaster, couldnt attend hospital to see the doctor and possible replastering cos of SNOW.

Another year, another hope?

I've never liked new years and this one is no exception. Will it bring hope or terrifying reality - the tumour is growing.
My scan is booked for 3 weeks time and then we'll know if it is growing fast or slow.
All the anti-oxidants, good diet - how can that have worked by now? It's too soon.
The brilliant NHS just leaves you all alone- there is so much to understand about complementary or alternative therapy. But Christmas must happen, too busy before, two weeks closure - never caring my tumour is growing.
If I didn't have Gina I would be more in depths of despair than I am - I cry almost all the time I am on my own. With people, with Mark I am another person, some-one who isn't dying, some-one who has so much to do, so many things to achieve, to help people, to love people but there is so little time now. I AM PETRIFIED. No-one will let me grieve. I must be positive - it's the only way. But I am sure positive people die too. I cannot die with the pain in my head , I just can't.
I must, as some-one dear to me said, live for today, hope for tomorrow.

Well it happened..

I knew it woudl , I have felt so ill, I knew it woudl come back. No-one believed me, they all said it's just you being anxious.
Tuesday 17 November - my death sentence, 2- 5 years max, probably less, in fact definotely less. This week consultant said to Mark 5 years would be very lucky.

I am in such pain in my heart, I don't know what to do. One weekend before suicidal, one week after too scared to die, to much to do, too much pain to leave other people.

Strange life, two days after I did my presentation in front of my fellow students and amzed them all. Appeared confident and they coudl hear me... and did it without looking at screen or notes. What an Oscar winning performance, inside I am dying.

Cancer threat (CT)

The sharpened dagger enters
Not once, not twice but thrice
Bruising, purple
As the robe of Christ.

Colourless dye
All-seeing, all-knowing
Search out the deadly sin
Seek out tortuous, moving guilt
Wrapped invisibly to naked eye.
Strangling and killing.

Rush your warmth, cold comfort borne
Shake fear and pain inside the tomb
Liquid death knell do your deed
Seek out cells and shade them
A rainbow, a myriad of colour.
No room to move, no breath to take.

A picture, snapshot
Of how it appears to man who
Cannot see the gram of death
Behind the weary bones.

Growing, enveloping,
Rushing, destroying
Tiny, tiny, tiny specks
Breaking free, multiplying
Destroying equilibrium
Destroying hope
Destroying joy
Destroying peace.

And when finally
The result appears
It’s clear and safe
- this time
Will not anxiety reign free
To begin again another day?

Isle of Wight

A little break last week amidst the anxiety of C being in hospital. We had chosen a hotel on the seafront at Sandown and had a balcony room. It was lovely to wake to the waves gently rushing forwards and to the sunrise over the sea. We pretty much covered most of the island in travel apart from Yarmouth area and Newport. My favourite village was Godshill - a kind of grockley Miss Marple place.

And here's a photo of Bembridge Windmill too.

Uni - is it week 4 or 5?

Hmm work for Uni is piling up and I've had to organise two sessions to 'shadow' work colleagues in preparation for a reflective essay due in in early December. Additionally we must produce a presentation on an aspect of our work to the group in a few weeks. For the shadowing I've chosen to focus on the reason why/how they use the pupil achievement data and of course the reflection will be about my part in it and how I could better support these colleagues in their role. The first unit about education is very useful and today we looked at good teaching and learning styles.
I think it must be week 4.