Poetry

Am putting together my poetry in a book on Blurb.com It's quite difficult to put it all together and think for the words for back page. Mark isn't interested, in fact he thinks I shouldn't be doing it. A & G think it is a good thing and want a copy of the book when published, and so does my mum, not so sure when she reads all the poems though.
My friend Jane left yesterday to go to Worthing. I feel bereft and couldn't sleep, not that we were very good frineds, well I find it hard to 'give myself' to other people in case they get inside my head like Janet is. Her leaving party showed me how wonderful she is and how many many people love her and how that will never be like that for me - not ever.

Mind dissolves

Flying into the grey of a dishevelled mind
There is no hope, no way to go
Thoughts are contorted and flawed
The mind sings no more

No way out, no way to go
The mind is numb, the mind is full.
Like crazy paving mixed
Amongst the seeds of time

Living like they want you to
Fakery and smiles
Heart tearing with pain
Crying silent tears.

Dispirited passion
Moving in numbed circles
That ever decrease
Strangling the very life of you.

Neither great joy nor feeling
Nor God, nor compassion
Just painful memories
Burning the tender soul

The mind twists and struggles
Dissolving in the mist
In the desperate duty to live
The life that God intended.

Feeling Blue

Visited bluebell woods today, nice to be with Mark and take photos but J is huge in my head and it HURTS.

I cannot explain to anyone how I feel cos A and G try to understand but I don't think they do really.

Am continuing to write poetry and trying very hard to keep smiling whilst inside I am screaming and crying.

CT result

Result of CT scan today. After yet another sleepless night we were told my scan is clear. Well what they were monitoring on a rib turns out to be scar tissue. So they are very pleased with me and told me to go home and not worry. I will have another check-up in June and another CT scan in a year's time. Maybe my veins will recover a bit by then.

Am I supposed to feel good - why don't I?

CT scan

Horrendous day. No food or drink from 9ish this morning and had a very worrying night. Scan was booked for 2pm and we arrived a bit early. As usual I chose the orange flavoured barium mixture drink - drink this over 45 minutes, then off to the room for the scan. First of course you have to have a canular put in so they can inject iodine into your vein to highlight your blood vessels. I told them my veins are rubbish after the chemo and they suggested I lay on the bed. Five tries later and me panicking and it hurting they finally decided I should go up to the Basing Unit (the chemo ward) to have the canular put in there. By this time I was very miserable and after warming up my hand and arm they had another go. It took another 3 attempts before it was finally in. I did not want them to put it in my right arm cos of the lymphodema and they said they wouldn't except in extreme cases. Back to the CT scan room and they were able to inject the iodine and do the scan.
I do not know which is worse - having nightmares about the cancer spreading and not knowing or having this horrendous time every time I go for a CT scan.

Lymphodema

It is bad enough getting cancer, having a mastectomy but to get lymphodema is just an insult. It came about after I'd finished radiotherapy and chemo and my hand and arm was very swollen.
Today I had yet another review of the size of my arm - its 13% bigger than left side. It has been as low as 8 and as high as 15%. You are meant to massage the lymph fluid and wear a compression sleeve - the latter I do, the former I don't do any more after the recurrence of cancer because I feel sure moving the lymph around the body from the 'infected side' into the neck, across the chest may have contributed to the cancer returning. I don't know. I spoke to my consultant -she said that is a possibility, small but possible.
I HATE wearing a sleeve.

Snow in the village

As like everyone we are in the grips of snow. Having worked 3 days at home this week I also spent a little while going around our village taking photos of snow covered buildings and the Common.

My counselling was cancelled and I feel very miserable. I have had my hair cut to 'cheer' myself up.

This week we went to see Rabbi Lionel Blue (of Thought for the Day - Radio 4 fame). He is 79 today and very sprightly and can tell a good joke. He signed one of his books for me "God Bless". He said when he feels down he does something - anything - even sorting socks.

The Year of the Ox

Well I've made some Chinese New Year cards now, so unsure about whether the Chinese characters are saying the right thing.

I am sure there is a market for DoCrafts or other manufacturers to produce Chinese New Year stickers etc, but hopefully they will put what the characters mean in English. I bought the DoCraft oriental kit but it is impossible to tell whether the papers and brads and stickers are saying things in Japanese or Chinese and whether what they say might offend.