Cancer - a poem by AEO

You think
Why me?
Why me?

It’s my fault
I cried
I prayed
Life end
In sight, in sight

I have never felt so alone
This pain
The guilt
The time bomb ticking
Fight but for how long?
How long?
How long?

Disfigured, ugly
Woman removed
Isolated
Sick
Life goes on
But in my head I am dying

Cells multiplying
Out of control
No control
Lymph moving
And destroying
And in my head I am dying

The spirit of death
Visits often
In my sleep
Can’t sleep
Can’t sleep
The silent destroyer
Will return again
And I’ll be gone.

CT Scan

I had a follow-up CT scan a few weeks ago and last week went back to get the result. This is the second CT scan after the re-occurence.
All clear.
The consultant was pleased as was Mark. And everyone I texted afterwards. I asked the consultant about my prognosis cos I'd read that for Stage 3 you have a 30 -50% chance of surviving 5 years and only 20 - 30% chance of surviving ten. She said that was right. They didn't tell me that last time. However diet and a positive attitude can help. I'm doing the healthy diet thing - more of that later - but positivity is just not there. I am SO..OO scared. Coming out of serious depression and just wanting to die I now find myself in the weird position of being scared of dying. Not for myself but for Mark and the girls.
I need to get on with my life and Mark says make the most of the time left, but how? There is a big black cloud hanging over me and the worry of yet another occurence or worse secondary cancer is there in my mind all the time - awake or asleep.
I have written a poem about cancer re-ocurring and will share it with you.

Not ill?

I wrote this poem when my depression started, struggling with coming to terms with being ill again and whether I could stop it happening. But I could not.

not ill
but will
self will
no will
in mind
to find
the will
until
the mind
splits

to ill .....to sane
too ill .....hang on
to cope.....there’s good
to care ..... there’s life
their pain..... there’s pain


the pain
is ill
ill is pain
back again
not ill
not there
no will
no way

to go ......to stay

__

First post

I am thinking this just a blog to express my thoughts.
I do not know what will become of it.
But I will put some of my thoughts, poems and 'doings' on it.

I am recovering from a difficult episode of depression and the diagnosis of breast cancer - twice.
I do not know where I am going yet or even how to get there.
This is a journey. And I hope I make it.