A visit to the oncologist - 12 February 2010

trying to sort brighton vision of hope clinic visits for mondays and fridays beginning march.
Oncologist today - wants me to have bone scan and some other test - completely last straw. mark struggling hugely, im struggling with this.

no very last straw is Dr would like me to start some chemo but appreciates we may not want to yet. No evidence either one way or other as to whether starting chemo when there are no symptoms is beneficial or not (prolongs life or not). not overly keen on us doing alternative things well he wouldnt be, head totally messed up. Private treatment - huge cost. Chemo - they have no way of telling if will work or not for each patient and I dont just mean cure I mean tumour reducing/stying static in size.
There is some very good treatment he advocates with good results - only availably privately (NICE doesn't think worth the cost) - guess how much - over £2500 every 3 weeks for life.....................
uni work concentration is rock bottom and has been all last weekend ( Vicar told me I should come to terms with prognosis, be very careful about chasing the wind) and this week also. Trying very hard to do analysing of survey, no further forward on writing report than I was few weeks ago......
Plaster off Tuesday coming - driving apparently can be a few weeks. Have you ever felt there is no point cos at moment I do.

tomorrow different - up down up down high hopeless back and forth just seems how it is
and so many people all struggling through same things - god how awful life is.
will write monday better mood...? get more uni stuff done by then all being well

Scan result

As GP said some tumours are bigger, some stayed the same.
Consultant wants me now to be in care of oncologist and we see him this Friday, not neccessarily with view to chemo yet but best we meet to get to know each other before I get really ill. Prognosis is still in years not months.
I feel sick...

Three days

Three days to await the result of my scan.
Meanwhile I've been investigating further the alternative treatment side, the holistic, healing approach that seems so much better than the only thing the NHS can offer - paliative chemo when I get to be in pain... God, no I don't want to let it get that far, I want to do something positive NOW.
My emotions see-saw between -1000 and +10.
Positivity is the key to healing, supplements, diet, alternative treatments can help but positivity is the key.
The pain in my head, my heart keeps me from rising above +10, but do it I must.
We have been to visit the Vision of Hope clinic in Brighton, an amazingly positive doctor, and I came away feeling yes, that is what I must do.
The reality is the pain of intravenous treatments on veins which are very poor, the horrendous expense (£200 per session - 2 per week, 3 months and weekly for some more months to come) plus too a huge array of supplements, each one affordable (except biobran) but together ridiculous sums, consultation fees, petrol, time off work - 2 days for us both per week. Mark is keen I do it, I am so scared we are kidding ourselves this will work. Yet I see the science, the trials and evidence are small and often anecdotal; they ring true, sensible, often based on long ago healings things. Why do I waiver?
Conflicting advice, go home, make the time you have left precious;
Go home, you're ill, wait to have chemo, why worry of anything else, why spend your money, take a holiday;
Don't be fooled by charletan practices, accept your death is inevitable, take steps to make your will, set your affairs in order, realise your purpose is to help people, love people
Do not think you will die, you won't, have goals, aims in life, be selfish, look after YOU, NOTHING is impossible,
Take small steps, don't panic....