Book live

After much deliberation I decided to 'go live' with my book on blurb.com. Did I say I've called it Flying towards Hell. I never really thought anyone would notice it was there but someone has commented yesterday and very positively. I'm gving proceeds to Breast Cancer Research but ofcourse it really could take 50 years to even get any sales. Actually with Blurb you need to keep the book 'active' which basically means someone has to buy one every 12 months or they take it off their server.
A and G encouraged me to put it together and I hope if it helps even just one person to feel they are not so alone in their crazy mixed-up world then that will be okay.

Longstock

It seems I have to try and replace J in my head and this I know I must, must do. You are supposed to think of nice things, nice places and calm yourself down, replace the intrusive, obsessive thoughts and all will be well. How difficult that it - she is always there intruding on the good stuff, being in the moment. Concentrate concentrate - be ever mindful of surroundings, happenings, people, things, signs, flowers, the world. Your mind is so complicated - by necessity we think - we feel. We feel - we think. Life in perpetuity. How I wish for a life with no thought, no anxieties, no people in my head - just perfect white silent peace.

Longstock Water Gardens near Stockbridge - so very pretty. I worked hard not to allow J in those memories of it but alas she is there, always there and she wasn't even there but she is there.

Today I have tried the Emwave machine Gina lent me yesterday. It appears incoherence in the heart rhythm caused by stress can be 'fixed' with this little gadget. My first try and I ended up in tears cos I can't make it work, I don't understand the lights system it has. Try again tomorrow.

Scrap work

Well this site has become a bit of a ad hoc diary - and I really should add more stuff. Very busy at work, very busy at home trying to do EVERYTHING. Have completed my latest scrapbook page - local club challenge is to use stitching - so I practised some of the cross-stitches etc - I've been doing textile workshops with Jackie (Stitchworks blog) - small group work once a month; she is very inspiring and I've collected together various 'mixed media' items. Oh yes I've just 'won' a collection of ephemera on e-bay - so that should be with me by the weekend. Really I just have to START. Have a lovely thing I want to do over the august holidays.
University taster sessions have now finished - last week was mind-mapping. My life in a mind-map - directions to go, live, be - is very scary. A and G continue to be a big force in my life and keep me going, I don't know what I'd do if they weren't there to support. Very bad screaming dreams haunt me night and day and I am tearful on my own. My head is crazy inside - what to do but keep going?