Longstock

It seems I have to try and replace J in my head and this I know I must, must do. You are supposed to think of nice things, nice places and calm yourself down, replace the intrusive, obsessive thoughts and all will be well. How difficult that it - she is always there intruding on the good stuff, being in the moment. Concentrate concentrate - be ever mindful of surroundings, happenings, people, things, signs, flowers, the world. Your mind is so complicated - by necessity we think - we feel. We feel - we think. Life in perpetuity. How I wish for a life with no thought, no anxieties, no people in my head - just perfect white silent peace.

Longstock Water Gardens near Stockbridge - so very pretty. I worked hard not to allow J in those memories of it but alas she is there, always there and she wasn't even there but she is there.

Today I have tried the Emwave machine Gina lent me yesterday. It appears incoherence in the heart rhythm caused by stress can be 'fixed' with this little gadget. My first try and I ended up in tears cos I can't make it work, I don't understand the lights system it has. Try again tomorrow.