Keeping busy

It is now only 10 days until I have to say goodbye to Andrew and I don't know how to cope, what to do, I cry everyday on my own and then put on brave face and keep VERY VERY busy. M asked me one night, as I was crying why I was, when I told him he just turned over and got cross. I am so scared, please God don't let me go backwards, I have to keep going.
My bones hurt, I'm afraid the cancer is coming back, I lie awake at night very afraid and can't sleep, then wake early and can't eat. M says I'm losing weight, perhaps I am. How strange life is - 2 years ago I just wanted to die, now with A and G help I don't, well I don't actually know if I don't, I don't think I care except there is so much to do to pass on to the girls and Mark, so many things to sort, so much to do.
Back to work this Thursday after summer break, so many things I didn't do, so many more things to do. The summerhouse is tkaing up lots of time, M is doing so well with it and I help by painting, holding wood, passing nails, and so much garden tidying. Have made 30 photo cards over last 2 days.

How weird

Life goes on as normal
How weird
My life is a crazy mess
And your life
Just goes on
Ignore me
Ignore me
Ignore my pain
Who am I
To dare
To think
I matter?

Ashes to ashes

Just a poem I've written following a visit to Dartmoor in Devon last week. My uncle's ashes are blowing in the wind just there but the thoughts for me are about Janet. The poem is written as if it were by my aunt and is called Ashes to Ashes.

Climbing on the
Rocky, peaty ground
Past mere; on moor
With pounding heart.
Through cooling wind,
Entrancing sky
Below nimbus clouds,
Brooding, full.

Summer bracken uncurled
With fingered fronds;
Home to tiny oaks,
To butterfly; to bee.
Heather abundant
In muted lilac
And the golden spines
Of thorny gorse.
Foxgloves marked
With linen specks
Where elves placed
Fingers long ago.

Aloft a buzzard circling
Calling to its mate
Rising ever upwards
Upon a thermal air

Noble mass of granite rock
Piled precariously high
Mysteriously concealing
A sacred life,
A life so long,
And proud and still,
Watching silently
The moorland few.

Mystifying life:
Secrets held;
Family life:
Secrets told;
Layered life
From dawn of time
Through pain and love
And peace again.

Spirit lay down
And rest awhile
In crevice moss
Away from chills
How many men
Have trod the path
Enlightened then -
Forgotten now?

But I won’t forget:

Your soul lives on
Ever blown
By wind, by rain
Ever more;
Ever same.

Going crazy

Help me i'm goign crazy my head is going mad. Andrew is leaving I don't know what to do I can't go through all this again, i acn't get so depressed I wont function there is so much to do my university stuff is looming i ahve to practise my study skills, i have cards to make and loads of things, i feel very VERY ill. I dont want to live any more - it sounds melodramatic but the pain in my heart from J and A is huge now and I don't know what to do. everyone says you are gettign better i almost bagan to believe it - this faking thing perhaps i should havetried to do better after J left me, perhaps she wouldnt be in my head so much now NO that is rubbish she is always in my head oh God what shall I do i feel sick and scared and cant stop cryign cant sleep last night -one hour sleep at 5. please help me God No God I hate you I don't wnat you I don't. I cant do THIS I really cant. i thought i was gettign better everyone says so it is such a lie unless you sort what is in your heart your head what has made you hate yourself what makes you have people in your head how can i do it on my own without Andrew he was going to make it work he said he could he siad we all could as a team me, him Gina but its no good now.God forgive me for what i've been doing.