Making cards

I have been making cards for some time - Christmas cards for last four years. Many people say making cards help you forget your problems but I get quite anxious making things. I have loads of stuff though - good intentions and even have a craft room now - my daughter's old bedroom.
I took some baby cards to work and people said why don't you make some more to bring in to sell. So I decided to sell them for Breast Cancer Campaign. I got some personalised stickers to go on the back from Able-Lable and also some of the cellophane bags. I haven't really got going yet but made some Diwali cards last month and sold them so that's a start. This weekend I made some simple congratulation cards for some of our students who have just passed their course.

A sad day

My uncle Henry died last night. He was 94 and had had a good life but he was doing so well, had just come out of hospital. He was talking to my aunt, holding her hand and he closed his eyes and died. He was such a lovely man - a real gentleman and I will miss him.

Visit to Penny Brohn Cancer Care centre

On Wednesday I drove to Bristol to the Penny Brohn Cancer Care centre to go on a Nutrition course. The course focused on healthy eating and what they call their Bristol Approach diet plan. The centre supports people living with or caring for someone with cancer. I so wish I had known about it when I first was diagnosed. They do a 2 day and 5 day residential course where they tell you about their approach and introduce you to meditation and complementary therapies and good nutrition and give you time to take stock, rest and gain support and understanding..
In the morning we had a science lesson about how food is taken in by our bodies and used in a supportive way. We had lunch in their lovely restaurant and were able to sample some of the herbal teas and also I tried some vegetable juices. It was good to note that my dairy-free approach to possibly beating a recurrence of cancer is well supported; milk really is a no-no. Add lots of organic fruit and veg, and beans, pulses, nuts, whole-foods, some eggs and if you aren't vegan like me then you can add chicken and fish. Food supplements of a good quality are also recommended. I guess really their approach is very like the Jane Plant diet but they do not advocate very much soya, as she does.

I came away feeling more hopeful that what I am doing is right even though following a wholesome vegan diet is hard work. Need to get a good juicer now!

Visit the Penny Brohn website - courses page.

Wendy Richard's cancer

This is so sad and it scares me. From second diagnosis to this is 6 years. That's all. And people tell me not to worry.
My sister says if I think I'm going to die then I need to start living again and make the very most of my life with Mark.
My counsellor says Live for Now - in the now. Practice mindfulness.
I need to start now but my mind is full of such unhelpful thoughts. STOP.
Today we saw a heron in our garden. I moved suddenly to see him and he flew off.

Cancer - a poem by AEO

You think
Why me?
Why me?

It’s my fault
I cried
I prayed
Life end
In sight, in sight

I have never felt so alone
This pain
The guilt
The time bomb ticking
Fight but for how long?
How long?
How long?

Disfigured, ugly
Woman removed
Isolated
Sick
Life goes on
But in my head I am dying

Cells multiplying
Out of control
No control
Lymph moving
And destroying
And in my head I am dying

The spirit of death
Visits often
In my sleep
Can’t sleep
Can’t sleep
The silent destroyer
Will return again
And I’ll be gone.

CT Scan

I had a follow-up CT scan a few weeks ago and last week went back to get the result. This is the second CT scan after the re-occurence.
All clear.
The consultant was pleased as was Mark. And everyone I texted afterwards. I asked the consultant about my prognosis cos I'd read that for Stage 3 you have a 30 -50% chance of surviving 5 years and only 20 - 30% chance of surviving ten. She said that was right. They didn't tell me that last time. However diet and a positive attitude can help. I'm doing the healthy diet thing - more of that later - but positivity is just not there. I am SO..OO scared. Coming out of serious depression and just wanting to die I now find myself in the weird position of being scared of dying. Not for myself but for Mark and the girls.
I need to get on with my life and Mark says make the most of the time left, but how? There is a big black cloud hanging over me and the worry of yet another occurence or worse secondary cancer is there in my mind all the time - awake or asleep.
I have written a poem about cancer re-ocurring and will share it with you.

Not ill?

I wrote this poem when my depression started, struggling with coming to terms with being ill again and whether I could stop it happening. But I could not.

not ill
but will
self will
no will
in mind
to find
the will
until
the mind
splits

to ill .....to sane
too ill .....hang on
to cope.....there’s good
to care ..... there’s life
their pain..... there’s pain


the pain
is ill
ill is pain
back again
not ill
not there
no will
no way

to go ......to stay

__

First post

I am thinking this just a blog to express my thoughts.
I do not know what will become of it.
But I will put some of my thoughts, poems and 'doings' on it.

I am recovering from a difficult episode of depression and the diagnosis of breast cancer - twice.
I do not know where I am going yet or even how to get there.
This is a journey. And I hope I make it.