Book live

After much deliberation I decided to 'go live' with my book on blurb.com. Did I say I've called it Flying towards Hell. I never really thought anyone would notice it was there but someone has commented yesterday and very positively. I'm gving proceeds to Breast Cancer Research but ofcourse it really could take 50 years to even get any sales. Actually with Blurb you need to keep the book 'active' which basically means someone has to buy one every 12 months or they take it off their server.
A and G encouraged me to put it together and I hope if it helps even just one person to feel they are not so alone in their crazy mixed-up world then that will be okay.

Longstock

It seems I have to try and replace J in my head and this I know I must, must do. You are supposed to think of nice things, nice places and calm yourself down, replace the intrusive, obsessive thoughts and all will be well. How difficult that it - she is always there intruding on the good stuff, being in the moment. Concentrate concentrate - be ever mindful of surroundings, happenings, people, things, signs, flowers, the world. Your mind is so complicated - by necessity we think - we feel. We feel - we think. Life in perpetuity. How I wish for a life with no thought, no anxieties, no people in my head - just perfect white silent peace.

Longstock Water Gardens near Stockbridge - so very pretty. I worked hard not to allow J in those memories of it but alas she is there, always there and she wasn't even there but she is there.

Today I have tried the Emwave machine Gina lent me yesterday. It appears incoherence in the heart rhythm caused by stress can be 'fixed' with this little gadget. My first try and I ended up in tears cos I can't make it work, I don't understand the lights system it has. Try again tomorrow.

Scrap work

Well this site has become a bit of a ad hoc diary - and I really should add more stuff. Very busy at work, very busy at home trying to do EVERYTHING. Have completed my latest scrapbook page - local club challenge is to use stitching - so I practised some of the cross-stitches etc - I've been doing textile workshops with Jackie (Stitchworks blog) - small group work once a month; she is very inspiring and I've collected together various 'mixed media' items. Oh yes I've just 'won' a collection of ephemera on e-bay - so that should be with me by the weekend. Really I just have to START. Have a lovely thing I want to do over the august holidays.
University taster sessions have now finished - last week was mind-mapping. My life in a mind-map - directions to go, live, be - is very scary. A and G continue to be a big force in my life and keep me going, I don't know what I'd do if they weren't there to support. Very bad screaming dreams haunt me night and day and I am tearful on my own. My head is crazy inside - what to do but keep going?

Made it - maybe

Have heard I have been accepted by University to do Foundation degree in Education Administration, went for first taster session last night, very scary. It is so hard with to find positive things about me and we had to do some stuff in reflective writing. Degree is part-time, takes 3 years with option to top up to BA Hons. Will I still be alive in 3 years - who knows? Today I had check up by surgeon - she says all is well , may have to have scan before next visit to her.

Head still mad, trying to do everything - have been to Aqua class, scrapbook class and textile class. Trying so hard to keep busy and get J out of my mind, she just won't go. I think University application is absolute madness on my part - why oh why did I apply? Reading is so difficult - writing will be harder still I'm sure. Mark says I'm stubborn - some people say I'm determined so maybe these things I can't recognise in myself will get me through.

Made some more cards to sell for Breast Cancer Research - photo ones this time.

Flying towards Hell

Well I have my book in my hands - decision now whether to make public on blurb.com or not. I have had one positive response from someone I asked to look at it for me and they even bought a copy!

Book is titled 'Flying towards Hell' after much heart-searching to get just the right title. So many I chose were actually already published. This comes from a phrase in one of my poems.

Blurb is brilliant really - so easy to use and produce a quite professional looking book. I made a black/white copy too just cos I coudl and cos it's cheaper. If i do sell it I am giving all proceeds to Breakthrough Breast Cancer. Talking of charity I have made another £60 through selling cards at work for Breast Cancer Research charities.

My head is going mad, not sleeping, weeping in car, so much to do, so little time now - scary days.

Poetry

Am putting together my poetry in a book on Blurb.com It's quite difficult to put it all together and think for the words for back page. Mark isn't interested, in fact he thinks I shouldn't be doing it. A & G think it is a good thing and want a copy of the book when published, and so does my mum, not so sure when she reads all the poems though.
My friend Jane left yesterday to go to Worthing. I feel bereft and couldn't sleep, not that we were very good frineds, well I find it hard to 'give myself' to other people in case they get inside my head like Janet is. Her leaving party showed me how wonderful she is and how many many people love her and how that will never be like that for me - not ever.

Mind dissolves

Flying into the grey of a dishevelled mind
There is no hope, no way to go
Thoughts are contorted and flawed
The mind sings no more

No way out, no way to go
The mind is numb, the mind is full.
Like crazy paving mixed
Amongst the seeds of time

Living like they want you to
Fakery and smiles
Heart tearing with pain
Crying silent tears.

Dispirited passion
Moving in numbed circles
That ever decrease
Strangling the very life of you.

Neither great joy nor feeling
Nor God, nor compassion
Just painful memories
Burning the tender soul

The mind twists and struggles
Dissolving in the mist
In the desperate duty to live
The life that God intended.

Feeling Blue

Visited bluebell woods today, nice to be with Mark and take photos but J is huge in my head and it HURTS.

I cannot explain to anyone how I feel cos A and G try to understand but I don't think they do really.

Am continuing to write poetry and trying very hard to keep smiling whilst inside I am screaming and crying.