Another year, another hope?

I've never liked new years and this one is no exception. Will it bring hope or terrifying reality - the tumour is growing.
My scan is booked for 3 weeks time and then we'll know if it is growing fast or slow.
All the anti-oxidants, good diet - how can that have worked by now? It's too soon.
The brilliant NHS just leaves you all alone- there is so much to understand about complementary or alternative therapy. But Christmas must happen, too busy before, two weeks closure - never caring my tumour is growing.
If I didn't have Gina I would be more in depths of despair than I am - I cry almost all the time I am on my own. With people, with Mark I am another person, some-one who isn't dying, some-one who has so much to do, so many things to achieve, to help people, to love people but there is so little time now. I AM PETRIFIED. No-one will let me grieve. I must be positive - it's the only way. But I am sure positive people die too. I cannot die with the pain in my head , I just can't.
I must, as some-one dear to me said, live for today, hope for tomorrow.