Loss

I cannot describe the loneliness and utter pain I feel. I am thinking how to describe but I can't.
I cannot afford to go backwards, I really can't. My visit to the Vyne with A and G today was very very painful; I should win an Oscar for my acting performance. I didn't even get out of the car-park afterwards before the choking tears and gasping breath came. Andrew did seem genuinely pleased with the 'thank you' book and picture I had made for him. I had said I thought it would be cathartic to do but in fact it was not and there were many many tears in the making. I am petrified, scared, lost and hopeless and only Gina cares now - but understands? I do not know.
The only person in this crisis I can phone is Gina - I have no friends and that is a fact I am so painfully aware of when I rang for her and she wasn't there and the MHT receptionist asked if some-one could sit with me, be with me. There is no-one. All I wanted was a hug and some-one to understand. So very hard when I don't even know why I'm like this.